To want to dare
I'm not binary. Almost 30 years old and has not grown up at all as I thought I would be at this point in my life. For what does it really mean, to be an adult.
My occupation is a mixture of many different art expressions such as performance art, modeling, photography and writing.
I have been a model for Mattias for several rounds. It is exciting to look back at those pictures now, perhaps especially at the series of pictures that Mattias afterwards chose to call "Boys will be boys". Because that was before I knew.
It has taken me many years to get to where I am today. To come to an understanding of who I am and what identifies me.
When I was growing up, trance was far from a well-known concept. And for a long time I thought that trance was only about the other sex. To be born in the wrong body.
But for me it has never been so easy, not because it's ever easy to be different and gender dysphoria is really nothing to play with. But what I'm trying to say is that I thought for a long time that I probably did not fit into that category. I did not want to be a man.
But somewhere inside it still rubbed, because I was not a woman either ..
So how did it go together?
I spent many years wanting to be someone else. With dreaming of a flat chest. I talked to my friends about my feelings, thinking it was about just wanting smaller breasts. I was like a woman after all. For what else was I? Could one be anything else?
When I talked to psychologists, I was often told,
"But you who are so feminine" Then I used to think;
What you do not know is that inside I am a feminine gay.
I have always fallen for feminine men and gays. But they never wanted me. Haha .. But really, maybe I just dreamed of being like them?
I have always thought that feminine attributes such as high heels and dresses look best on masculine bodies.
I have played a lot with my own gender expression. Often it has been about trying to reflect the person I see myself as inside. But also to try to get the people around me to stop sexing me immediately. But all these feelings have been so diffuse, so hard to grasp.
Non-binary. Which to me means; to not be a gender. Is for many a rather difficult equation. But I'm not going to apologize anymore. I'm not sorry because I'm me. I have finally found the answer to what has always rubbed inside me.
And I'm grateful you want to dare to accept.
Without having a solution to the equation.
Let me be me.
I know you have many questions.
So thank you for googling, because there is so much information out there! <3
Is one of many sites with lots of good information on the subject.
So now I'm standing here. 30 years old. Under a name I always knew was really mine. Neither man nor woman. With a time at a clinic that might help me finally give myself that flat chest that I have been dreaming of for so long.
Thank you Dad, without your inheritance money I would never have been able to do this. Strangely enough, you would probably have turned in your grave if it were possible and you knew what I was using your money for.
But dear beloved father, if you only knew how much more I I am now. You always nagged about how important it is to be yourself.
And that's exactly what I'm now a father.
You can also find me on instagram under @kimwiden
Thank you Mattias for the opportunity to guest blog on your platform.
If you as a reader have ever considered being a model, I can warmly recommend Mattias. He is very professional and a safe person to be around.